love will not betray you.

We are still waiting in anticipation. Everyday I wake up wondering, will this be the day? And without fail the day comes and goes with me feeling good but swollen. Of course because I moved down to the valley at 37 weeks means he won't come until he is suppose to. (which is ok)  I am just really to that point of being so done. Although I know he is safer in then out, I'm to the point of d.o.n.e. There are only 6 days left until the actual induction, so now I've reached the thought process of...well it's coming now or in 6 days, why not now?! But I guess I will have to be patient and wait.

The girls and I have been doing things to keep us busy and I try to keep my self in rigorous activity not only to pass the time but to secretly put myself into labor...(doesn't work) It does pass the time which is nice. My poor Aunt Lois didn't know what she signed up for when she agreed for us to stay here until the baby comes. She has been a full time babysitter between appointments and me running errands. We greatly appreciate her. There has been so many wonderful people who have helped Joe and I. People taking the girls for play dates, taking me out for lunch, talking to me for hours just listening to me pour out my heart and people who send texts just to let me know they are thinking and praying for our family. It has been such a humbling experience to receive so much love. It truly amazes me the things people have done for us. I won't mention names or the generous things, but I have really learned people are good. Truly good. It makes me want to give so much back. Maybe one day I will be able to as for right now, I can just thank you everyone who has prayed for us, thought of us, or gave me encouraging words! I love you.

The heart means something different to me now. One being an obvious reason for our son's heart condition. The other being the love Joe and I have felt through all of this from eachother, from family, friends, and even from people we have never even met before. Love is real, for I can feel it endlessly.

 I can see the beauty of love it was made to be.

words just won't work

I've sat here at the computer trying to think of what I can say to express what I feel. I see his sweet face and everything becomes too real. Today at my doctors appointment I was dialated to a two and 70% efaced. Our sweet little Brigham will be here before we know it! There are so many thoughts that repeat over in my head and so many emotions that I never knew I  could feel. I litterally feel like I am being tugged back and forth like a rag doll between two ideas. I feel so uncertain for things that are certainly going to come. I feel unprepared for being a mother even though I already have two children. I can't make sense of my body although I've been living in it for 23 years. I guess you can call me confused. I can't really feel one certain emotion and that in itself is hard for me. I know as time comes I will feel a flood of emotions and one by one feel each of them at their own specific moment. As for things I am certain of...

 I have made the move down to the valley. After much debating I told myself I really needed to be here. Now that I know I'm already dilating and thinning I think it was the right move. I know that it doesn't mean he is coming soon, but I also know that it doesn't mean he will go full term. They have me schedualed for an induction on October 26, at 8:30 am if he does't come before then. He is head down and spine up all ready in birthing position. so I have 16 days left and the countdown begins. Joe and I are taking this one day at a time. Thanks to the talks in church on Sunday my outlook for the next few months will be, "Come What May and Love It." I know the Lord is on my side and I know with this all things are possible.

Here we go sweet son of ours...
I can't wait to  meet you and hold you in my arms.
 I love you today, tomorrow, and always never, ever forget it...

pictures to prove it.

I love my cute kids including the one who I have not met officially.

the facts.

You might have to read this post slowly to understand it.

 Yesterday Joe and I had several meetings with different doctors and kind of got a feel of what will take place at Brigham's birth. There were many options and different roads for us to take for the course of his arrival and instant course of action they must make for his poor heart. The past few ultrasounds there have been no new surprises which has been wonderful.
 
 Each time we go in the techs taking the pictures are sweet enough to print us a few out of our handsome little man in 3D. That is my very favorite part of going down to the appointments. He has the cutest chubbiest cheeks and is now measuring 5 lbs. 4 oz. He is in the 20th percentile for where he is suppose to be, but I am proud of him for making it to be this size! (I will take what I can get) They plan to induce me at 39 weeks if I haven't already gone into labor on my own. I am moving down to the valley on the 10th and will be there for the remaining time until we can bring Brigham home.

I will be delivering at Banner Good Sams.
I will be able to have a normal vaginal delievery if he is in the right position.
He will be immediately monitored, sedated, intubated and transported to PCH. 

 We met a new face, Dr. Martin. He is a specialized baby Dr. who explained to us the benefits and downfalls of ECMO.(heart/lung bypass machine) We were very well informed and feel like we have made our decisions on ECMO for our baby. For Joe and I, the downfalls outweigh the benefits.We have learned it will take more time putting him on the ECMO machine then just intubating him and transporting him by ambulance to Phoenix Childrens. (this being the major reason) There are many many other factors that play into ECMO that just don't seem to work out for our son, so right now it is safe to say we will not put him on the ECMO machine right when he is born. If he needs to be put on it later after he is transported; after he has the stint placed and ready for his first open heart surgery and it will be helpful, then we are ready and willing to try it.
 If our sweet son isn't doing well and there is just no way it's going to happen for him, our plans are to just hold him and love on him. I believe his time here on earth should be spent with his mom, dad and sweet sisters. It has been so hard my whole pregnancy not knowing all of the situations that could occur. Finally it feels like it has winded down to two. We are hoping for the best for our son. And I'm not  exactly sure what the best is for him right now, but I do know it is one of two things. And I have completely turned it over to the Lord, I have given up trying to figure it out and solve the problem. Like in the conference talk, by Robert D. Hales, he said, " The Lord answers prayers when we are ready. Sometimes prayers come little by little and if we are sincere in our prayers they will be answered sometime, somewhere." I have truly come to that realization of little by little. I know I am not alone in trials, heartache and confusion. I have been very blessed to know other heart moms and I have heard so many touching stories that have touched my life forever. And I can't ever seem to forget what a wonderful husband I have who has been so helpful, comforting and worthy of the priesthood.
 I really feel blessed by this whole experience. Sometimes I feel a little crazy and overwhelmed, but mostly blessed.
I love my son, I love his chubby cheeks and I can't wait to hold him in my arms and give him kisses.

This post is personal, but I am really trying to keep family members and those who have been following Brigham's story updated, I hope it helped.